Monday, August 24, 2009

An emotional time

As I sit here trying to think of how to start this post, I feel anxious, happy, nervous, scared, excited, tired, humbled and somehow calm. I am not sure if that is at all possible, but somehow, in the exhale and inhale of my breath, all these emotions are passing over me like a wave. So much has been happening in the past few weeks. I feel like our path is coming up to one of those forks. To the place where you decide how the next stage of your life is going to go, mixed in with some good old fate. There is so much that we are unable to control and we are just sitting, waiting for the direction. Our home currently and finally has an offer on it. It is subject to a building inspection and finance clause, set to be lifted September 1st. It is so thrilling and so scary that we may actually sell this house. There by comes the fork again, where will we go from here? What will our new home look like? Can we start looking already? So many questions, so many answers. I am trying to take things one step at a time. Trying to put all the things I have learnt over the past months into practice. There is no point in becoming overwhelmed with everything, rather I am hoping to enjoy the ride this time. I have in the past spent so much of my time living in fear. I have been chipping away at it over the years and I started to shake those shackles a few years ago when my mother gave us a bridge climb in Brisbane - I was afraid of heights! Was I going to let that stop me? What an opportunity just handed to me. So I bit the bullet and went and it wasn't bad at all. I realised an important lesson that night, that sometimes, you just have to push through and take the first step. I had a loving man standing behind me with his hand gently placed on my back for comfort, support and love, just like he does everyday. Coming to Canada and taking the huge step of moving away from my beautiful family and friends was another steep climb that gets easier every step or day that passes. Riding Betty too has been huge! Testing boundaries and challenging fears from my childhood (I was thrown a couple of times as a young kid and my childhood horse, although lovely, was very stubborn and I had difficulty handling him). Recently, I was tested again with mountain biking, I had a choice - be afraid and don't try or give it everything and enjoy it! Well, I certainly enjoyed it and it feels so liberating to not be afraid. The fear was suffocating me and now I feel free. I am learning to apply this theory to a very uncertain but exciting time. Wish me luck!!!

This past week was also the anniversary of the passing of my darling nephew Dylan Paul Ludbey. He left us 4 years ago in body but I still feel his amazing spirit with me each day. The pain is just as raw as it was then and this year for some reason seemed so much stronger. I spent 2 days just feeling it and staying with it where I previously would have run. It hurt like hell but I feel a lot better for it. I am not saying that the pain has gone. I don't believe that will ever happen. Things just need to be felt. Dylan had a spunk, a wisdom that touched me so greatly and all those that knew him. I love you my dear, dear boy and I miss you so very much.

Thank you for letting me ramble on. I felt like I really needed to share. I miss my friends, I miss my family. So this helps. Thank you.


MELANIE said...

A beautiful, liberating and emotional entry. I am right here for you, as always. I am proud of all of your accomplishments and your strength. Every day I am grateful for your friendship and wisdom :) I know you miss and are missed, but I enjoy you right where you are. xo

I love you!

Michelle said...

Stacey, what a roller coaster time for you! I am so happy that you have an offer on your house...we're in limbo right now waiting to sell ours, then we'll be in the "what now?" boat! SO far the winnebago cross country trip is calling to us to help us figure it all out! I wish you the very best in finding your way with your beautiful family!

And I am so very sorry to hear of the passing of your nephew. Time really does stand still when a child is taken from us, and I pray your heart, and those of his parents and other loved ones heals.


Janine said...

Stace, I didn't realise it was Dylan's aniversary and that it is 4 years already. I wonder if Sam being around the same age is why you are really emotional this year. I know it is always hard and no doubt always will be - I can't imagine the pain ever leaves, it is just that we get better at remembering the good times and putting the pain away in a little corner of ourselves because that is what is expected.

Our thoughts are with you often, take care and enjoy all the moments with your family.

Oh and congrats on the house - fingers crossed it all goes smoothly.

luv janine xxx